"Hey" is the single most common opener on every dating app, and it's also the easiest to ignore — it asks nothing, references nothing, and gives the other person no obvious way to reply. The good news is that a better opener doesn't need to be clever or original. It just needs to reference something actually in front of you: their profile. Here's how to open a conversation that gets a reply, and how to keep it going once it starts.
Skip "Hey" — Reference Something Specific
A generic opener puts all the work on the other person to figure out what to say back. A specific one does the opposite — it gives them an easy, obvious thing to reply to. It doesn't need to be profound. "That trail in your third photo — is that near here?" will get more replies than "hey how are you" almost every time.
Good Opener Formulas
The Profile-Detail Opener
Pick one specific detail from their photos or bio and ask about it directly. It shows you actually read their profile, which — more than people admit — is rarer than it should be.
The Playful Either/Or
Turn something in their profile into a light, low-stakes question: "Team pineapple on pizza, or are we not going to be compatible?" It's easy to answer and naturally invites a bit of banter back.
The Genuine Compliment (Not About Looks)
A compliment about their humour, their taste in something, or a specific line in their bio lands better than a comment about their appearance — it shows you're interested in who they are, not just what they look like.
"Okay, I need to know the story behind the guitar in your second photo." · "You had me at 'will fight you over the last roast potato.'" · "Coffee snob or tea person — be honest, this could be a dealbreaker."
Keeping the Conversation Going
Ask Follow-Up Questions, Not Just Questions
A string of unrelated questions can feel like an interview. Instead, respond to what they actually said, then ask something that builds on it. It keeps the conversation feeling like a conversation instead of a form to fill out.
Know When to Suggest Meeting
If the messages are flowing and you're a handful of exchanges in, it's usually fine to suggest meeting up rather than waiting for the "perfect" moment. Long message chains that never turn into a date tend to fizzle out on their own.
Do
- Reference something specific from their profile
- Ask questions that build on what they just said
- Keep your own replies genuine, not one-word
- Suggest meeting once things are flowing
- Match their energy and message length
Don't
- Open with "hey" or "how's it going"
- Send a string of unconnected questions
- Wait weeks to suggest meeting up
- Take a slow reply personally
- Copy-paste the same opener to everyone
Frequently Asked Questions
What's a good first message on a dating app?
One that references something specific in the other person's profile — a photo, an interest, a line in their bio — rather than a generic "hey." It gives them something easy and obvious to reply to.
How long should I message before suggesting a date?
There's no fixed rule, but once you've had a genuine back-and-forth for a few days, it's usually fine to suggest meeting up rather than waiting indefinitely for a "right" moment.
What should I do if a conversation goes quiet?
It happens often and isn't necessarily about you. One friendly follow-up is fine; after that, it's usually best to put your energy toward other conversations rather than chasing a reply.
Should I message first or wait for them to?
Messaging first is completely fine and often appreciated — waiting for the other person can mean a lot of matches never turn into conversations at all.
The Bottom Line
A great opener isn't about being the wittiest person in someone's inbox — it's about showing you actually paid attention. Reference something specific, keep the questions genuine, and don't be afraid to move the conversation toward meeting up once it's flowing.
